Dear Makers of Doritos:

Just stop it. Stop it now. You’re the only thing that’s on sale for my husband’s lunch, and I can’t get enough of you. Don’t you know that I can’t resist those tantalizing triangles? And what’s up with the new flavors? How dare you mix ranch and pizza flavors in one bag? Blue cheese and hot Buffalo wing? And spicy sweet chili? Don’t you know? Don’t you get it? This ass isn’t going to shrink itself.

Please. Just. Stop. Stop with the deliciousness. Stop with the crack or meth or whatever it is you’re sprinkling on those chips. I can’t take it much longer.

Respectfully yours,